have an idea
for this scene?
This is Ebay. We are online. No land or other characters in sight, just The Human and The Server.
Human Oh, my! What was that? Where are we? My eyes… It’s so blue here. My eyes hurt.
Server (giggles, obviously nervous due to The Human’s presence)
Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll like it here. I brought you here to enjoy it. This is EBay. Only credit scores and reviews matter now, plus those little shopping charts. You’re gonna love them.
Next to The Human and The Server, we see silhouettes of people pushing shopping carts, mumbling. Their voices are brought together in a buzzing/rushing sound, almost wavelike.
Human What? I don’t know… Wait, who are you? And why is it so cold here? I can barely feel my hands, they’re freezing.
The Human looks down at her own body, her hands and feet have gradually become bright baby blue. She and The Server are in a small, wooden boat in what looks like an ocean, but with glitter, sparkles and moon rocks. The boat is floating, not touching anything.
Human This place scares me. Are you sure I’m going to enjoy this?
Server Oh, yes, yes, definitely! Anything for you, Human. Trust me. Here, you can get any wonderful new thing you like, to put in your home, to dress up in, to put in your garden for your neighbours to stare at. Don’t you want something nice and fresh, paid for with your christmas bonus?
Human I guess… Something new is always nice. I don’t see anything though. I mean, everything is so empty here. Except for those people over there. Do they notice us at all?
Server Don’t mind them, I will take care of you. It’s not really empty here. Let’s go on a treasure hunt!
They ‘float’ a bit further in their tiny boat. The Human notices how The Server is controlling the boat with a simple wave of his hand. The Server glances over at The Human, slightly nervous but eager to please.
Human Wow! How are we moving like this? And is that land I see?
Server (excited) Ah, yes, It’s called surfing. Magical, just magical. And all for you.
They pass by a little deserted island. On it is a strange looking figure. Enter: The Reviewer. H/She pushes an empty cart, holding a clipboard with endless notes, wearing a classic brown dust coat. A big, bright (green?) star is pinned on his chest.
Reviewer (squints his eyes) Who is there? Is that you, King of The Amazon? Get outta here, you filthy Bezos, this is my turf!
Human (interested but also baffled) Erm… No. I’m no King. Who are you? Do you live here all by yourself?
Reviewer Ooh, a human! Ha! Have you come to buy things? Don’t go next door, that guy sells cheap knock offs. I really feel like I must evaluate that. It’s not something I like to do, and Steve Jobs knows I don’t do it too often, but… really, I gave him minus two stars. So cheap. Are you perhaps selling anything?
Server No, no, we’re not selling anything. I wanted to take The Human out for a good time. Show her around, you know. Have you scored any good stuff lately?
The Reviewer looks at The Server and The Human, only grinning, then thinking. All three fall silent, slightly awkward.
Reviewer Oh, my. (smiles vaguely into the distance, without looking at The Human.)
You know, I usually don’t judge but you have the most luscious hair I’ve ever seen. Sure, it could do with some Pantène conditioner or natural coconut oil, but no, by itself, yes… Very good colour. Texture seems firm enough, silky almost. I really don’t think it’s my place to say but it’s been ages, no, updates, no, operating systems since I’ve come across hair this pretty. Yes, maybe I should tell you. I mean, it’s always nice to hear, no? I think so… Really, really good. Ah, the amount of hair products I’ve seen in my lifetime. Kid, you wouldn’t believe it. But I’m compelled to say, yes, I normally don’t let myself go like this but, really… Those trousers are the worst I’ve ever seen. Where on the web did you get those? No, no. Unacceptable.
Human (blushes) I really don’t know what to say. Thanks, I guess?
Reviewer Thanks! Oh! Thanks, she says, thanks. A one word comment. No, no, that won’t do. You really need to step up your game there. You are a star, for sure, yes, that is for sure. But don’t let the green lights fool you… No, no.
The Reviewer gives The Human one of their bright green stars. She looks at it, slightly bewildered. The Server sits in the wooden boat, picking at his nails, unbothered and bored.
Human I’m… a star? What does that mean? Not that I don’t like it, I just don’t…
Reviewer (interrupts) What it means! Oh, what it means she asks. What doesn’t it mean.
To be a star, the brightest, with the longest battery life, with the best price/quality balance, to use by your bed, a nightstand lamp, a desk lamp, no, no… A reading light. Vintage, as is! Brand new, without tag! Bid now! Enter credit card info… No wait, that’s not right. This cart is empty.
Suddenly more alert, The Reviewer looks at The Server, who’s still sitting in the boat not too far off.
Reviewer This cart is empty?! How can that be, Server. Please check our connection. This is simply unacceptable. I’m appalled. I’m sure I made more progress than this, this empty vessel, empty, empty… No, really, I must say… Your service today is below all standards! Connect, please!
Server (severe, a little hurt, even panic-y) Oh, come on, not now! This isn’t happening. It always happens at the wrong time. I swear I’ve never had problems with my performance before. I’ve been doing this job since the very first operating system went live. It’s not my fault. Take it up with The Internet. I’m doing my part. And please, would you stop scaring Human here? Isn’t it time you showed her around? I…
The Server abruptly jumps off the island into the floating boat, and leaves with two waves of his hands.
The Reviewer gets into working mode, trying to find something for The Human. As objects pop up, he looks for pieces on his clipboard and starts reading. The Human doesn’t seem very interested, it becomes clear that he is looking for something different than objects: a connection. The product Jawzrsize pops up out of a cart The Reviewer chooses from all four or five standing around him.
Reviewer (turns to camera, cheesy piano tune starts playing. He flashes his hands dramatically, late night buy TV style)
Aah! Ah, sweet Jawzrsize! When I first saw you I thought you looked kinda crazy. Didn’t see what the benefits would be. But now when I think of it, you totally makes sense in my mouth. The best way to describe you as a product is something unlike anything you’ve experienced. A massive discovery, this! I think you will revolutionise fitness, my precious, make plastic surgery obsolete! Five stars. Yes, yes, absolutely.
Human (intrigued) Oh, wow. Is this your favourite then? Should I get it?
The Reviewer doesn’t react, but stands with the Jawzrsize held high above his head, in trance. The Human looks at him, questioningly. Next item pops up out of the cart.
Reviewer (annoyed) Ah, the Iphone 8. I couldn’t open the bloody packaging. Sent it back. One star. Cancelled!
The Reviewer starts looking desperate as The Human loses interest. He is frantically looking through his notes as the next item pops up.
Reviewer Hmm, yes. Fascinating Womanhood: How the ideal woman awakens a Man’s Deepest Love and tenderness by Helen Andelin. Books, am I right? Ahem. (clears throat.) I’ll quote: ‘Do you know what emasculates a man? Do you know what inspires him to protect and provide for you? Get detailed insight into what motivates men.’ Well, my, my. Did I ever find out. But take some parts with a grain of salt, though. Such as the domestic goddess advice… I mean, maybe you would benefit from it, with those trousers… Yes. But still.
The Reviewer starts mumbling more and more, raising and lowering his voice, while The Human seems to tune out a bit. The Reviewer starts talking more staccato and up beat, frantic.
Reviewer It’s counterculture. Principally. I love that most about it. Oh, yes. This book has certainly given me some excellent advice. In specific areas… Respect, admiration, not competing with your husband. Respect… R.E.S.P.E.C.T. All that. The joys of submission. To a man you, you trust. You know? However. However… to pretend that I cannot grasp concepts or perform tasks in order to make him feel needed… now THAT, ha, drives him nuts! I know. I’ve tried. Have you? It doesn’t win his affection. Thinks I’m ridiculous. (more mumbling) But, but overall… he is very happy. Yes, happy! To have a capable woman who can manage home, kids, schedules, can cook so that he can focus on his business. Cook! Business! All of it. Five stars. Absolutely.
The Human looks a little lost, even more baffled now.
5 random objects pop up in short succession, The Reviewer just gives rating for the first four. A song begins.
The objects are:
Scissors
Lipstick
Coffee mug with cats on it
All stars
Windows 95
Music starts: The Reviewer song (first draft finished, need to adjust the reviewer parts to a little more uptempo/hyperactive)
Reviewer Song
Again 5 random objects pop up:
Mousepad
Photoframe
Rolex watch
Mango tree
Wedding dress
Reviewer Ah, Human. That was an amazing song, loved the rhythm, loved the beat, loved everything about it. Why don’t they make songs like this anymore. Five stars!
Human I don’t think… I’ll find what I am looking for here.
The Reviewer doesn’t know how to react. They both stand next to each other for a few seconds, slightly out of breath.
Human (scrapes throat) That was, erm, inspiring. But I think I should be off. Have you seen The Server somewhere?
Reviewer (back with his head buried under clipboards, humming)
No, no… Haven’t seen his star twinkle for a good two or three connections now. Say, I know someone who always gets five out of five. But be careful though… Looks can be deceiving.
Human Who? Who do you mean?
The Reviewer doesn’t reply, just dives into a new, huge pile of objects, leaving a cloud of dust. A bright neon green/blue flash / lightening passes, enter: The Algorithm. They immediately wrap themselves around the neck of The Human, releasing an intoxicating perfume.
Algorithm Ah, my darling, darling sweet! Have no fear. Follow me.
Next: Let Me Google That For You